2022: Whatever Happens, Set Off Fireworks for Yourself

I had not been to the rooftop in a long time. Unable to sleep and feeling restless, I went upstairs for some air. Light leaked through the door. When I pushed it open, I saw someone writing on a bench beneath a lamp. I knocked, stepped out, and watched him hurriedly hide his paper and pen.

"People can still see those who belong to the night?"

He swept the light away and disappeared. Uneasy, I held the doorframe and called out, "Whose child is wandering on the roof instead of sleeping?"

The voice laughed. "I wondered who it was. Come and sit. They say this building is full of old people; at last, a rare visitor."

Something pushed me forward by the shoulder. When I turned, I saw a blurred figure only a little shorter than me.

He walked ahead, muttering. Beyond the dim light around him, I could see only the silhouette of the railing against the city. He searched the darkness and finally dragged out a battered stool.

"Your presence brings light to this poor place," he said, brushing it clean. "People use less fire now. They barely celebrate the new year. I do not have much here."

A lamp slowly brightened in his hands.

"That bronze lamp is interesting. Is it an antique?" I leaned closer to study it.

The flame shuddered. In the corner of my eye, his face looked impossibly familiar. It resembled mine.

"Who are you?" I sprang up and crouched like a startled cat.

"Only people like you can see me at night. I am you, and you are me. Look closely if you do not believe it."

After hesitating, I sat again. "Whatever spirit you are, I am not afraid. If you are a ghost, I might catch you for research."

He looked surprised. "You have become braver, and much more glib." Then he sneered. "Wearing that shabby coat as though you were Kong Yiji. Believe me or not; I only want to ask whether you still write."

"Why do you care?" I protested, my face growing hot. "How can you say I stopped? I wrote a letter only two weeks ago."

"I never imagined you would sink even below my modest expectations. You do not need to explain. I know the list: no time, no energy, no state of mind."

"What do you know? Studying takes time. Learning takes time. I won so many awards..."

"Of course. You have no time because you are always doing 'serious things.'" He turned the lamp over on the stool. Its flame weakened. "Then why keep wearing those glasses and pretending you are unchanged? I could ask you anything I know and you would have forgotten it. Tell me: what does retard mean?"

"You know my English is bad, so you ask English? Test me on poetry or mathematics."

"Fine. Recite The Hard Road to Shu, or solve a middle-school similarity problem. I know you. You memorized poetry and congratulated yourself for mathematics. How has university treated that pride? Your English has not advanced, and everything else is falling behind. I look down on you."

Angry, I stood against the railing. "Look at yourself before judging me. Who wants glasses? Who wants to play with words? I cannot be with the people I like; the people beside me do not stay. Interests never become disciplines. I know a little of everything and finish nothing."

"An excellent summary. I almost want to applaud. Stop drinking outside at night and mourning someone who has already forgotten you. At this rate you will remain alone. Go and be your engineer." Then he vanished.

I looked over the old buildings and the high-rises that stood awkwardly between the center and the outskirts. Their neon lights went out, and the red glow at the horizon faded. A few stars remained above. Suddenly, stars were falling from the corners of my eyes.

No one had offered me a blessing, and I had no one to bless. Yet it was New Year's Day. I leaned my body against the thick concrete rail, giving my legs somewhere to rest.

Cold passed through the wall into my chest. I clenched my hands inside my sleeves. I remembered leaving early and returning late from the library beneath winter skies. I remembered the cold nights spent awake in the hall. For an instant, warmth pressed against my back and another pair of arms slipped through mine.

There was still warmth, was there not?

I struggled to turn, and the embrace disappeared.

"Where are you?"

"I miss you."

"But I do not miss you." The lamp tightened into a point of light, and he jumped out again. "You cannot leave the past, and you cannot find the future. You are still the same: timid, withdrawn, lazy."

"The same as before?"

"Nothing is the same. Everything changed." He rubbed his nose. "Why do you think I came? They say everyone carries a dead child inside. Mine has died. Now yours has too."

"I also know that everyone is a monster eventually defeated by a righteous superhero."

"Half-read books and half-understood quotations. No wonder you cannot find anyone." He wiped his eyes.

"Then I cannot. I still have you."

"You will never see me again," he said, choking on the words. "No one remembers me. No one lights a lamp or sets off fireworks for us. You are all chasing practical interests and hollow selves. You, all of you..."

"Yes. That is true."

"And you are willing to watch me leave?"

"No one can keep looking backward. The present and future still have to be faced. You shaped me, and we have a responsibility to whoever we become next."

"Will you remember me?"

"Always. I am you."

The figure entered the flame and disappeared. A small explosion sounded in the distance, then a second and a third. Fireworks opened across the sky. A glowing card and an exhausted lamp remained on the chair. From their coldness, I realized the lamp had gone out long ago.

I woke with no clear memory of that almost-dream. Sunlight pressed through the window. A white envelope lay beside the pillow, marked with a seal and a hand-drawn stamp. On the back:

Let me become a firework, so I may meet you again.

From A Note on the Bronze Lamp

1. Study

Why does study always come first? Perhaps because of habit and hope. Family and school both taught me that learning was the most important thing, and I have always considered myself a student. But is that inertia correct? Choice may matter more.

I had already recorded the first half of the year in 2022a Midyear Review: Boundary. During the second half, I maintained only a low baseline. Without an approaching exam, I spent little time reviewing. Final exams were postponed until the next semester, so their pressure was postponed as well.

The largest change was successfully transferring into a school and major that felt more familiar. At the same time, a failed national competition and conflicts within student organizations kept pulling at me. I was exhausted yet strangely idle, often eating and drinking outside late at night. Perhaps I was tired; perhaps I relaxed too far. Either way, study receded.

I attended several ACM regional contests and earned one regional bronze medal. At least I did not return empty-handed.

2. Fellow travelers

I knew more people and felt close to fewer.

My closest friends and the wider circle of acquaintances barely changed, but some circles broke apart and some friends drifted away. I had little desire to manage those changes. I could not change other people.

3. The year measured by apps

Zhihu

• 3 questions, 32 answers, 13 articles, and 27 short posts, totaling 172,979 Chinese characters;
• content published on 108 days, with February the most productive month;
• 141,331 reads, 56 shares, 1,136 saves, and 2,332 upvotes;
• 99 new followers;
• 5 hours on August 2, the longest single day;
• 5,740 questions, 17,537 answers, and 732 articles viewed;
• 1,432 upvotes and 522 likes given;
• keyword of the year: acknowledging desire.

QQ Music

• 984 songs and 81 hours 33 minutes;
• most music memories occurred in November;
• 11 songs with fewer than 999 saves, including 89 plays of Tea at Baoguo Temple;
• 153 newly discovered songs;
• still listening at 4:44 a.m. on September 18;
• keyword of the year: sky.

NetEase Cloud Music

• 187 songs and 19 hours 25 minutes;
• mostly music from the 2010s;
• still listening to Long Tu at 3:59 a.m. on September 9;
• 21,234 minutes shared with someone at the other end of the headphones;
• song of the year: The Sunset Hides Behind the Mountains.

QQ

• most-used reactions: "burning eyes" and "ghost";
• five most active conversations: AFXR, Bengdou, Moxu, Yuyuse, and Changsu.

Pandemic controls ended, the economy slowed, and the Russia-Ukraine war continued. The future was difficult to read.

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The surrounding entries are 2022a Midyear Review: Boundary and 2022a Midyear Review: Misty Flowers.

This entry was first published at the Fengqing Inn archive. It is preserved here as part of the personal record.